One day Walter the hippopotamus walked out of his kitchen to discover that there was no ground. And, due to his great weight and the force of gravity, he fell to his untimely demise. Oh dear. The end.

Hm.... this play isn't too good.

No it's not up to our usual caliber. I think we need to beef it up a little.

Um... one day two cows met Walter the hippopotamus outside his kitchen, only to discover that there was no ground. With a tremendous moo, they fell to their untimely demises. Oh dears. The ends.

We have proceeded to beef it up.

It isn't much of a radio play. It's just a narrator.

True. We need to bone up on dialogue.

Okay, one day, the skeletons of two cows met the bare bones which once supported the frame of Walter the hippopotamus outside the foundational beams that would soon be Walter the hippopotamus' kitchen. Only to find that there was no ground! With a horrific clatter, all of the bones toppled to their untimely demises. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. The end.

Well, that sort of explains the absence of ground.

Yeah, the house wasn't built yet.

There's still no dialogue.

Hm...

Cow skeleton 1: Are you sure this is where we were supposed to meet him?

Cow skeleton 2: Yeah, he said outside of the foundation beams of what will soon be his kitchen.

Cow skeleton: Well, but there's no ground.

Cow skeleton 2: Jeez, if I had had any vocal chords we might have been able to make a better meeting place...

Cow skeleton 1: Well, if I had any vocal chords right now I suppose I might say "moo."

Cow skeleton 2: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that's a pile of hippo bones over there, similar to those that once supported the hefty frame of Walter himself.

Walter: Hey fellas, you're looking kinda scrawny!

[both cows and Walter fall to their untimely demises] AAAAAAAHHH, we are falling to our untimely demises!!!!

"The end." can we still have the narrator say "the end"?

I found that last dialogue rather confusing. I have to wonder if an audience member unfamiliar with the tale would be able to visualize the action.

That's because it's too prosaic.

Huh?

Cow skeleton 1: What bones in yonder foundational beams do I spy?

Cow skeleton 2: I would say those of Walter, were I to have an eye.

Cow skeleton 1: Walter the hippo, you say? From naught, he looks so slim.

Cow skeleton 2: Perchance, this is the spot where we were to meet of him!

Cow skeleton 1: Yet in this desolation, this future kitchen, standeth we.

Walter: Hark! Do those the skinless bovines be?

Cow skeleton 2: He calls!
Pray, gentle sister, give forth thine lovely mooing sound!

Cow skeleton 1: Would that I could, dear brother, yet alas, there is no ground!

Cows and Walter: Our sad song peals forth as we falls through the skieses,
for soon we shall reach our untimely demises!
The tumultous clatter of bone upon bone
shall rival the sound of Sylvester Stallone.

Sylvester Stallone!?!?

Well, that might bring in a big crowd. Ticket sales would shoot way up.

But this is a radio play.

[crash of Hollywood music]

MALE ACTION MOVIE VOICE: He was the bones which once supported the hefty frame of Walter the hippopotamus.

[screeching brakes]

Walter: Hey guys, hit the deck!

MALE ACTION MOVIE VOICE: They were the skeletons of two cows, young and ready for anything.

[explosion]

Cow skeleton 1: We can't hang around these foundational beams forever! Let's get out of here!

MALE VOICE: Until...

[sirens]

Cow skeleton 2: What deck?!?!?

MALE VOICE: Vital Sirloin. [the name of the movie]

Cow skeleton 1: Walter's the reason we're here man! Without him, we're dead meat!

ROCK SONG:
FALLIN'!
FALLIN TO UNTIMELY DEMISES!
FALLIN'!
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO DISGUISES!

Walter: I worked my fingers to the bone, honey.

MALE VOICE: Vital Sirloin. It's what's for dinner.

[door slam]

Ticket salesman: Tickets! Getsher tickets!

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, I'd like a whole lotta tickets for Vital Sirloin.

Ticket salesman: Why, hello Mr. Stallone. It's quite an honor to have you here at our theater with your, uh, guests...

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, that's right, I'm bringing in a big crowd.

Ticket salesman: that'll be, uh...

Sylvester Stallone: [sound of throwing an enormous wad a money] Keep da change.

Ticket salesman: Uh, gulp, thanks mr. stallone, uh...

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, come on everybody. It's what's for dinner. [sound of huge crowd entering theater]

Ticket salesman: [fading into background] I'm RICH! I'M RICH!!!

[sound of audience falling to untimely demise]

[news-flash music]

Newscaster: This is Steve Brinkwater in Terre Haute. Tragedy struck today in a glitzy New York movie house, when a big crowd fell to its untimely demise. The crowd, which included oscar non-nominee Sylvester Stallone, was expecting to see the new blockbuster film "Vital Sirloin" -- but instead plunged into an endless abyss. In a related story, the $1.2 million which the film took in during its first screening has yet to be found. Investigators are searching for Gareth Salt, the man who allegedly sold tickets to the doomed audience. Todd?

Todd: Well, better rent that one. Let's go to Tony Chips for weather.

Weathercaster: Well, fall is finally here this weekend, because temperatures are dropping to their untimely demises throughout the fat belt. If you're a commuter, you may want to take the weekend off work, because cow bones have literally littered the interstate all the way up to Shaboygen. Scientists don't know what causes cow bones, but look for two to three inches of them in the forseeable future. Now: turning to the long-range forecast--the sun's fireball will enshroud the earth indefinitely. Back to you, Todd.

[sound of wind whistling over cow bones]

Cow skeleton 1: My femur aches interminably.

Cow skeleton 2: What else is new?

Cow skeleton 1: Will he never arrive?

Cow skeleton 2: Perhaps its our fault. Perhaps we should have learned from our decaying skin, as it peeled from our bones leaving us but skeletons of the cows we once were. Perhaps we should have left it all behind like our skin on the highway.

Cow skeleton 1: I still have a patch of skin here.

Cow skeleton 2: Cast it off! Cows such as we do not deserve skin.

Cow skeleton 1: Not even a patch?

Cow skeleton 2: No no no, not even a patch.

[pause]

Cow skeleton 1: Just as these beams are not a kitchen, our bones are not a cow.

Cow skeleton 2: Soon the beams shall be a kitchen.

Cow skeleton 1: What shall we be?

Cow skeleton 2: Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe the kitchen is decaying and we... [trails off]

Cow skeleton 1: Speak! I can't bear to hear you silent.

Cow skeleton 2: It's too horrible to think about.

[pause. wind.]

Sophisticated critic: The refinement in the writing of Waiting for Hippot, the use of analogy, strikes me as, in a very real sense, were it not for the starkness of Holstein's vision, don't you agree?

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, sometimes ya gotta die.

Sophisticated critic: Absolutely. But conversely, sometimes, one has not to die, one has but to live, and it seems from my own perspective to be a tribute to Holstein's, if you will, perspicacity, I suppose, yes that is what I wanted to say.

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, when you're out there, you don't need perspicacity. Ya just need getupmanship and sticktoitiveness, when it's just you and that guy out there.

Sophisticated critic: Well, and it is just you and "that guy" out there, isn't it really, and I think that's what Holstein is trying to evoke through his deliberate avoidance of the general.

Sylvester Stallone: Yo, the generals ainŐt got the solutions. It's the guy out there on his own really makin' it hurt.

guy: I was a guy. I was out there, man, And I was really makin' it hurt.

chick: I was a chick. I was in here. and I was throwing eggs at the guy.

cow skeleton I: I was a cow. i was up there. and I didn't have any skin.

all three: together, we face life's challenges as the kow-bone kids.

[theme-song: "makin' it hurt"]
every step we take we take together,
every bone we break , we break together
every egg's a new beginning
every bone's a game we're winning,
we're out there alone, and we're makin' it hurt,together. . .

[inter-scene music]

guy: Honey, I'm home! hello honey! hello, eggs. [sound of eggs hitting guy] scrambled. must be tuesday. [canned laughter]

chick: no pain, no gain, sweetie.

cow skeleton 1: hey mom, hey dad, do you guys think I'm ugly?

chick: well, you are a decaying cow carcass, honey...

guy: Dear!

[inter-scene music]

cow skeleton 1: Mom, can I go play with Wally?

chick: oh dear, you're not going to play in that unfinished kitchen?

cow skeleton 1: why shouldn't we?

chick: Dear, if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, don't play where there's no floor!

guy: at least we know they won't be playing strip poker! [sound of eggs hitting guy] Argh, more eggs. [laughtrack]

cow skeleton 1: [unconvincing] Oh, well, we weren't going to play there anyway, mom...

[inter-scene music, eerily unresolved]

[theme song in background]

announcer: We'll be back to the kowbone kids after this important message!

Bob: You're lookin rough, Ted.

Ted: Yeah bob, no floor. Deal fell through on me. How'd you like to walk in the door and wind up next to the water heater.

Police chief: Hi criminals, this is police chief Watson Polyester. Remember, if you've got no floor, folks can get in. Like me! OR a dangerous criminal. So before you go to bed, check your home for the following crime-proofing components:

[ding]

Ceiling

[ding]

Walls

[ding]

Floor. That's about all you need. But even a small hole in any one of these surfaces can equal a small criminal for you and your loved ones. So if any of these components is flawed or missing, don't go to bed. Go to work. For me. And stop crime before I do.

[jingle]

Ceiling Walls and Floor, that's all you need!

Paid for by the U.S. Army.

bones are falling, bones are falling
through a floor that isn't there.
bones are falling, it's apalling,
and it's certainly not fair,
for their lives are now as empty
as a hollowed-out eclair,
bones are falling, bones are falling, through the air.

cows are waiting, and they're stating
that the hippo is quite late.
they find waiting irritating
as they man the kitchen gate.
since there's no skin on their bones, we
can see everything they ate,
cows are waiting, bones are falling,
irritating hippos stalling,
and the clock-hand's ever crawling,
toward the time of their sad fate.