[music starts for "the festering boil song"]

Everybody's doin' their damndest here
'cause when we harm ourselves, it's just 'cause we're ...

[music picks up]

doin' the boil, that crazy boil
like any birl or any goil
would do if they'd not want to spoil
our zany matinee ...
doin' the boil, 'cause we don't coil
what anybody does or soils
we're absolutely doin' our damndest heeeerrre!

[very short cymbal crash, immediately damped]

Festering Z. Boyle: Hi kids. I'm Festering Z. Boyle, here in my luxurious Palm Springs resort home. Y'know, when I was your age I knew I wanted to take the world by storm and by golly I did it. With hard work, elbow room, and my pants on. And when I learned I could hit the big time just by slapping my name on some dance moves, you can bet your bottom dollar I was up out of my seat before you could say "Pfnorgle Bnip Gthoombpt!"

[sound of a bunch of kids confusedly trying to say "Pfnorgle Bnip Gthoombpt" and giving up]

It's too commercial.

Narrator: A cold, unforgiving snow blanketed Moscow, and 26-year old Festeringue [pronounced like "meringue"] Tze Boyelski gazed longingly out the window of his flat as his fellow citizens scurried from building to building in thick fur coats, like wolverines.

[church bells peal in the distance. a cigarette is lit]

Boyle: I yearn someday to perfect my dance and make it known to the world. But the endless practice, the striving for perfection, wears on my very soul like the perpetual darkness that reigns here during our long winters.

It's not contemporary enough and it needs another character -- maybe a female doctor. Also it gives away the plot right at the beginning. The plot should unfold slowly.

[answering machine message]

[the recorded voice of] Dr. Babs Ladylashes: Mr. Boyle, this is Dr. Ladylashes calling from the institute. The test results are not as favorable as we were hoping for at our last meeting and so I need you to come in as soon as possible. And please refrain from doing any dancing until I talk to you, OK?

Boyle [to the machine]: Dammit, Babs. You know I can't cancel that audition. It just means too much to me.

Boyle's Cat: Meow.

Boyle: Hello Mittens. How's my little Mittens?

[knock on door]

Boyle: Who's there?

[behind-door voice of] Helmut Radish: It's Helmut!

Boyle: Come in.

[door opens & closes]

Helmut: Hi there Fest. Just dropping by to see how you were doing.

Boyle: Not so good, Helm. My elbows are killing me! There's this part of my routine where I actually snap them.

Helmut: Wow, those elbows look pretty shot. Are you gonna be up for tennis on thursday?

Boyle: I don't know. My doctor told me I shouldn't strain myself.

Helmut: Listen, Festering, I've been meaning to talk to you.

Boyle: What do you mean?

[touching music]

Helmut: I've been your tennis partner for about three weeks now and something has changed for me.

Boyle: I ... I'm not sure I understand.

Helmut: Well, it's not just about tennis anymore, Fest. You see, I can't get you out of my mind. I've come here to ask you to marry me.

[music swells]

Boyle: Helmut, darling, I can't give you my answer yet. There are things you don't know about my past that might change what you think of me. Brilliant dance moves, professional-level tennis playing, and boyish good looks don't grow on trees ... and I sure as hell wasn't born with a silver platter in my mouth!

Helmut: Don't you see that none of that matters to me now? Nothing could change my feelings for you ... nothing.

Boyle: Don't be so sure. There are some things that even tennis can't reveal ...

[flashback harp glissando cuts off dramatic music. a child's music box is heard]

Little girl: Festy, will you come play with me?

The Young Boyle: Not right now, Nancy, I'm on the verge of an amazing scientific discovery the importance of which even my six year old genius's mind cannot begin to comprehend.

Nancy: Oh my gosh, what is that thing?!!?

The Young Boyle: When I press that glowing red button, this machine will produce a beakerful of the formula which will make me the greatest dancer in the world! And all because of the magic of science.

Nancy: Did the magic of science make you so ugly too?

The Young Boyle: No, Nancy. Nature is to blame for my accursed ugliness. But looks aren't everything. With my smooth moves on the dance floor, I will be able to conquer the world! [devilish laughter].

Narrator: Festering Z. Boyle, born John G. Smith, was the child of two bank employees in Topeka, Kansas in 1955. As a student he was interested in science and dancing, and often spent his free time tinkering with his chemistry set in the garage. The Joneses, the Smith's neighbors, remember these early days:

Mr. Jones: We could never tell what the strange noises were.

Mrs. Jones: We thought they might have been a raccoon or something rooting around in the garage and knocking over scrap metal.

Mr. Jones: Anyway, it wasn't a big deal ... at first.

Interviewer: Did you ever meet Festy, as he was then known?

Mr. Jones: Well, it was when the constant whirring sound started that we noticed the kid going to and from the garage with supplies or something.

Mrs. Jones: And there was the glow.

Mr. Jones: Yeah, the place sorta glowed at night. Which was very distracting.

Mrs. Jones: Finally we did see a raccoon out by the garage. But it wasn't acting like a regular raccoon.

Interviewer: How so?

Mrs. Jones: Well, you're not going to believe this.

Mr. Jones: You're not.

Interviewer: What was the raccoon doing?

Mr. Jones: The Charleston.

Narrator: Choreologists are astounded by Boyle's almost inhuman ability to merge spatial reasoning -- the dance moves -- with symbolic processing -- catch phrases, chart positions, and clothing styles. But behind this complex kind of thinking, which takes place in the bridge which connects the two massive wings of the brain, looms a long and uncharted history. Even as little as three dollars a month can make a difference.

Lecturer: You're looking at what we think are the earliest recorded dance moves. These cave drawings date from around 3,000 B.C. and seem to specify part of the right hand movements of the "ook," a craze which swept Northumbria from about 3,000 B.C. to approximately three years later. We don't know the other steps of the ook, but we do know from these drawings that certain types of jewelry were worn on the right wrists of teen primates who were doing it. None of the music for the ook has survived, but anthro-musicologists suspect it was performed on the ug, which was a type of plucked fur bugle. Here is what we think it may have sounded like:

[horrible grunting and banging noises]

Narrator: By the renaissance most elements of the dance craze were in place. Highly developed rhythms and song forms, combined with fashionable garments and well-known personalities in growing middle-class urban areas, made for memorable dance events. However it was not until the invention of teenagers that dance crazes could ever sweep the nations that now enveloped the globe.

[harmless theme music]

Julia Child: We're back with more of "The Social Chef." [sound of excited teens begins] Now if you want to use frozen teens for this dance craze you can, but if you want fresh ones you should get pre-teens and let them mature while the song is heading for the number one spot on the charts. Once the song's been on the charts for three weeks, place the teens in the outfits -- I have some outfits pre-prepared here so you can see how it'll look. Aren't those lovely outfits? I usually wait till after the teens are outfitted before I give them the haircut, which for this craze involves just a little bit of gel, so you'll want to have that standing by and ready to go because this part of the process goes very quickly. Now we're ready to add the dance moves. [exciting dance music begins] Some shimmies ... Shammies ... making sure the dance moves are all easy to learn ... some stamps, and hops to taste. Well, we're just about done with this dance craze. To top it off you might want to include a starlet or two.