Vell as you may have guessed, nooz has until only just nau haf been invisible to ze naked eye tsinse last ve came to you vis ze report. But nau not only ist it visible but altso it is all purple.
I had ze rare opportunity to visit Kleinehaputburgenplatz ze ozer day (vere zere is no longer a volcano, but if zere vas vun it vouldt sertainly be quite lovely zis time of year) undt I vas leafing sroo ze journal of journals of journals (vun of ze most recursif publikation in ze veurldt) and astonishted to readt zat zere is no such thing as ze present! Zis is a big shawnje from only moments ago. More on zat hafingk for you later.
You know, few of us realize zat alzo ze moon appears to be merely painted into ze sky vith a giant paintbrush really it is ze sunlight reflecting off of ze earth onto ze moon undt back onto ze earth. Ze reason ve can tsee zis during ze day ist zat light ist nau curved tso zat zere is a constant simultaneous total lunar eclipse undt total tsolar eclipse! No longer needingk zose sunglasses!
Vell, zat's all. But rememberingk zat if tsomesing shawnjes, don't even bozer payingk attention. It vill just as tsoon shawnje into somesing elts undt you vill hear all abaudt it on Schneertz!
7/3/96
Ja ja! Ve ahr tso happy brinkingk you nooz from raundt ze veurdlt! Vell, it's not every day you see ze veurldt's most beautiful volcano but let me tell you it is just gorgeous down in Yangburgenschnitzelplatz-Chung zis time of year. I vas readingk ze journal of seeoretical physics by ze light of ze molten lava streamingk daun ze valls of the history library. Yes, only recently has seeoretical physiks been relegated to ze history schelves nau zat all of its seeories have suddenly all come true. Vell anyvay, I haf discovered, curiously enough, zat ze quark is ze only particle vith its own backup singers. Zis certainly means zat zere is more soul in ze universe zan Wittgenstein thought. Especially tsince ve haf learned zat Wittgenstein vas not a philosopher but vas actually a cabbie in disguise.
In ozer news, linguists have nau only recently uncovered zat English is ze common ancestor of Greek and Latin. Vich certainly makes ze history of language a much more confusingly recursive struktur! Und ven I vas speakingk vith ze president of ze international lingvistic society (who has tsince been replaced by a small collection of staple removers) he vas analyzingk ze language of Schneertz as being a creole of upper-middle high low German undt Mandarin Chinese. Ve at Schneertz schtill don't know vat, if anysing, zis means.
Vell zats about all, except zat remember zat in mid-july time vill begin to be measured in gallons undt ze sport of baseball will be sped up over sree sousand percent (making ze baseball season last less zan a tenth of a second -- voops, I mean milliliter!).
Keep lookingk out for new shawnjes!
6/29/96
Hello undt let me tell you ze shawnjes zat ve haf tseen in ze last fiew dayss are really somesing elts. First of all, ze letter "G" has been faundt aut to be a hoax, by none ozer zan Chad Brinkley (who you may be interested to know is now a thirty-foot tall woman). I'm tsure we would all feel cheated by ze letter G if ve still lived in a veurdlt vere dishonesty is ranked ze most highly respectable attribute for a person (or a glyph) by ze international association of serious people.
Undt altso I vas leafing sroo ze Journal of Lingvistic Ansropology in ze library at Hyun-Chow-Burg, vere I vas lucky enough to tsee just how amazing zat volcano is zis mons, undt readingk zat shrews are no longer immortal but zat zey are excellent chefs. You may have noticed zat Lingvistic Ansropology has shawnjed to no longer be ze study of culture sroo langvage (vich it previously had been) undt is nau ze study of shrews. Sings are always shawnjing!
Alzeaux zat itself could certainly shawnj at any time.
Vell, finally ve haf received vurd over ze vire zat France is now located in Australia, vich means zat ze "chunnel" project vill certainly be requiring tsome more funding tsoon, but zat should be no problem due to ze recent shawnjes in ze international money market vere ze Deutschmark is vorth three Francs, but ze Franc is vorth two Deutschmarksz. Perhaps zis is vy Switzerland has been missing tsinse surzday!
6/26/96
Vell, sings certainly have shawnjed in just ze only vun day tsince ve haf ritten to you! Fur instance I vas just now kommen from ze library in Alexandria (turns audt zat it has recently been discovered to haf not burned down at all -- it vas ze dry cleaningk establishment next door zat vent up in flamesz) undt vas readingk on ze old papyrus scrolls zat ze year 1996 is not actually a year but is in fact a cornish game hen. Vich does not make any sense until ve realise zat time, previously sought to haf been on a continuum vith space, has now been faundt to be on a continuum vith dinner. You can bet your bottom Deutschmark (or Yen) zat my eyes vould haf been popping aut of my head ven I vas readingk zat, except only zat recently ze sun has shawnjed to ze color black and humankind has returned to ze caves, as of about sree aurz ago.
Ja, tseems zat ze only sing vich does not shawnje is ze fact zat shawnjes are occurring at such a rapid pace zat even ve hier at Schneertz can barely report zem to you before zey all shawnj back to somesingk completely ozer. Vy just yesturday ve learned zat Venus orbits ze moon, only today to findt out zat at exactly midnight it began to orbit Ed Meese. Who is knowingk vaht vill shawnj to next?
Even as I write vurd kommes in on ze vire zat basketball, previously an athletic sportingk event, is now considered a type of natural disaster, undt zat ze governments of ze veurdlt are allocating millions of dollars of relief funds to ze victims. Let's only hope zat some of zat money kommes to Schneertz for reportingk zis fact long before ze mainstream media is villingk to. Vich bringks me to final nooz: I vas readingk economic journal ze ozer day at Xiang-Pao-am-Rheine (undt let me tell you zat volcano is unbelievable zis June) undt learningked zat in ze year 1997 interest vill all become negative. Vich means definitely get all of zat money out of ze savingks undt takingk aut some big loans on Dec. 31st! Ve'll to notifyingk you if undt ven zis shawnjes.
6/25/96
Tso much of new to tell! Vell I vaz recently in ze ontology library at Baden-Baden-Baden, vair ze volcanos are tso beautiful zis time of year, undt I came across ze recent discovery zat ze common housefly is actually quite rare. Much to my surprise, it vas only tsince zen revealed zat ze universe is only five seconds old, except zat each of zose five seconds has is still happening (in vun of ze lower dimensions). Reading cosmopolitan at ze local barber (I vas not able to make it to ze global barber due to ze fact zat the Earth has recently shawnjed into ze shape of a bowling ball, vich is to say spherical except vith sree enormous holes in it, and I vas afraid to fall into vun of ze holes on my vay to ze barber), I discovered zat cosmologists now believe (undt zat itself is certainly a shawnj!) zat zere is actually less zan vun dimension in ze universe.
Vell, undt as if zat verent enuf I haf just received vurd over ze vire zat volcanos (vich can really be tso beautiful zis time of year if you happen to be in Schlausenklumpheintz-am-Rheine) are now all former presidents of ze United States. Vich certainly shawnjes ze history of zat country quite a bit. Interestingly enough, ze United States has now only just been discovered to be a type of tuna melt: zis discovery was made by a group of scientists working separately on other sides of ze earth -- back when ze earth had more zan vun side!
In ozer news ze gravitational constant has shawnjed to be negative, so everyone should be holding onto zere hats -- zo now zat humans no longer have opposable thumbs zere's no tellingk how ve can do zat. Vell zat's all ze news for now, undt if anything chawjes please write to Schneertz undt ve vill report it -- unless zere is some additional shawnje in ze meantime.