by Johnathon Andrew Werd, Ph.D.
University of Xbranccccccc Ib Ib Ib Ib, etc.
uxavaxu!wab.werdrew
January 10, 1989 or February 6, 1981
or even March 23, 1978
but most certainly not February 6, 1981
(although perhaps January 10, 1989)
and definitely May 6, 1984

In conclusion, resplendent beaks of antiquitiy wash more or less nonchalantly onward despite all indications to the contrary. But respendence is only one facet of the lock-jawed discontinuity policeman who up till yesterday was busy writing me an enormous ticket for crimes beyond the scope of this paper. Instead, I found a tarnished engraving, unable to feel what it said in the empty haze of post-blindless amnesia; my throat wobbled. Biscuits iron their lapels without a sound and catch themselves between circular mudflats and iron filings twelve feet across. Or are you a matron, a wispy saint perhaps, a giant meat thermometer which reads BASTE IMMEDIATELY, a repudiation of any ties, political or religious, that you had to me. Vice clamps my head.

It is well known that a tennis ball firmly placed can go a long way in business. It is not so well known (and, quite frankly, it's none of your business) that I have some kind of rare liver disorder which up to now has manifested itself in bizarre television visions in which I see the graven image of Ethel Merman towering above me and commanding me to "Sell or Die." Unless, of course, you could come up with some sort of reasonable exchange rate; then we could talk.

This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Of course, a three-wheeled vehicle would be more economical, and probably better tasting as well. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. More recently, it has been discovered that lateral displacement is isomorphic (and even close friends with) my wife's left ear. These studies have been confirmed by the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Of course, a three-wheeled vehicle would be better tasting, and probably more economical too. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. More recently, an antidote was found in which Ib can laterally displace Oj. In fact, Oj represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Of course, a three-wheeled vehicle would taste better, and would probably be more economical as well. These studies have been confirmed using an Oj compound known as EAR, which my late wife invented shortly after she died. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Of course, a three wheeled vehicle would be in better taste.

(1) A = {5, 6, 7, 8, 9}

I am a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper sample nailed to me. I represent the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Because of this evidence, it is recommended that those in the high risk groups indulge themselves in whatever way they feel is necessary, especially with repsect to the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Blindly, blindly probe the feelers of eternal night, because there won't be a morning hangover, no seagulls screaming from the reverberating heavens which are really just a few clouds blocking you from the infinity you never learned to face, one cone picking up bricks, concrete, the next seeing endless blue. It's just a painting, put there to distract you, like the words you're reading now. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. There are no hidden messages, only phone calls that have never been taken off hold. Businessmen sweat misguidedly onward through the rush of Indians, but there have always been Indians; America is a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper sample nailed to me. I am America. I represent the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively.

Another factor entering into the calculation is the average circulation time, which experts say can be as low as two or three days. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. There once was a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper sample nailed to me. Instead of bricks, I tried a kind of Judeo-Christian rocket booster; a sort of three-stage deal with surfboards taped to it. America is an Indian with surfboards taped to her. I am America. I represent the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. And who gets lost in the translation? She does. And she's only nine years old.

(2) 5 = 20,000

Who collected my life insurance? WHO COLLECTED MY LIFE INSURANCE ... it's no use dear, they've disappeared behind the horizon. The casinos are dead and pachinko doesn't tinkle anymore; town diners boom but freight liners are doomed to servitude. Light me another one, Bonzo, I'm onstage in fifteen seconds. God -- you'd think the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. I represent America. America is a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper sample nailed to it. I'm twenty thousand years old.

Sue Ann, I sing your praise tonight. Sue Ann, why can't you treat me right?

From beneath the mantlepiece everything looked like it was loosely knit, kind of like induction transformers. Kind of like Count Basie. Kind of like corrugated cardboard washing in off the Ivory Coast; a blank slate with the name mJamji on it, lying against a tree. Kind of like the kind you think you want me to be. Kind of like a blank angry stare of the bureaucrat, unable to understand that someone might deliberately write "DO write on and detach this form," unable to represent the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Could this be the eye of the storm? Why then is it so tempestial that it doth wrench the tears from my eyes before they grace the curl of my frightened cringing cheeks? A smile is only sour if it squeezes out some ocean, some salty dew, a piece of you that wants out. A smile, even, can twist an entire body full of wrought-iron tension. And all in the eye of a storm. And all in five weeks. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Can love be far away when "The Wheel of Fortune" is still spinning? No, it's ready to lacerate you, to impale you like the nail affixes the scrap of wallpaper sample to my tiny rectangular body. America is ready for the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Of course, a three-wheeled vehicle would be in better taste, and would only cost half as much.

(3) 2 = Emkdx

I found her on the porch three days later, without her tie, without a lazy mechanical bird even, regional concerns put aside. Her hair fell loosely around her head, covering her face. She was absorbed in reading. I said nothing to her. This was because I am a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper nailed to it. My head pokes out of the water which by this time is boiling cold. A wet head, adorned with nothing but my everyman haircut, gasps and looks up at the ambient horror above me; a giant curtain of vapor with gentle indirect sunlight streaming through, on all sides a wall of wind thousands of feet high. The sea burps around me. I am in the eye of a storm, and someone far away has already collected my life insurance. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. I am America; I feel you walking on me, I see what you forget to peel off the soles of your shoes, I caress your basements. I absorb your grandparents, your foundations, your money. I am the underground and the underwater and the underpaid, understaffed, underfed, undernourished, and underpriviledged. I represent the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. I am a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper nailed to me. We are our own way of saying Thank You and Don't Play with the Letter Opener. Whose fist hurls the dollar at you tonight?

An interesting aspect of Lansing's early studies are that they emphasize how little attention is paid to dancing animals (of any kind) in crisis situations or when coffee is slowly overflowing a mug of undetermined origin, at least with respect to the integers three, four, five, six, and seven, respectively. This represents the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. Without proper conditioning, a three-wheeled vehicle might taste very good indeed. And who nails America to the wall of freedom? Not a man, not a woman, not even God himself -- just a tiny rectangular piece of cheese with a scrap of wallpaper sample nailed to it. But how can a cure be found? Must it be brutally extracted from vacuum cleaner of the soul or can it be mail-ordered, provided the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively. America is ready for the integers five, six, seven, eight, and nine, respectively.

It. And a lazy piano cover.

Finally, a pain reliever you can trust.