[note: the notation (g) indicates an "g" made by swallowing, mouth opened, throat closed.]
Rick: Hello and welcome to Nose From the Underground. This evenings edition is brought to you by Bald Nostril, the only nose spray that burns your nose hairs and clears your sinuses at once, now with a new advanced slash-and-burn technology. Bald Nostril makes one thing perfectly clear: your sinuses. But, where other nose sprays attack the mucus that results from congestion, Bald Nostril goes right to the source, scourching the entire sinus cavity, and now without all the ashy mess of the leading brand thanks to our new miasmic vaporizing formula. No more sinuses, no more congestion. It's that simple. So, let Bald Nostril go to work for you. It's the bargain conflagration, at a price even those below the poverty line can't afford. Bald Nostril. You'll look good without your nose hairs, but you'll look great without your nose.
Rishi: Well we're back after that quick breather, and we're ready, like our sponsor, Bald Nostril, to clear up the muck.
Rick: That's right, there's been a lot of muckraking in this recent election, and it's our job here at Nose from the Underground to sweep away the muck and mire and sniff out what lies beneath it all.
Rishi: Like the aardvark sniffing the primordial tennis shoe, we can smell a rat a mile away.
Rick: And that's because rat's live underground, and we live with 'em.
Sam: But we've got one nose-worthy advantage.
R&R: Who are you?
Sam: Oh, uh, I'm the third guy.
R&R: The third guy?
Sam: Yeah, the third guy. The one they hired right after the election.
Rick: Well, uh, no one told me about it. What about you, did they Tell you?
Rishi: Yeah. . . Um, I mean no, nobody told me about it either. The third guy?
Sam: That's right, the third guy. Hmm. You see, with the new workfare program, they put me right to work, took me off the dole. See, I come here to work so that they can tell us -- you don't mind if I say "us", I mean we are working together now and, well -- we're overstaffed next week.
R&R: Huh???
Sam: It's the new downsizing program. They tell us next week they can't afford three people on the staff anymore, that they have to cut back to two again. You know, hard times and all. Hey, it's a dog eat dog world out there. So they fire me, only this time they don't put me back on the dole because I got fired, so I didn't live up to the agreement I had to sign at the workfare office in order to get a job.
Rick: Well golly it's good you showed up tonight because we've been putting our nose to the grind stone and sorting through the stench of the garbage carried in by the rats we live amongst here in our underground trash compactor of a news room, and have we got a story for you.
Rishi: That's right. Much has changed in United States of America since election night. It seems that the real welfare reform reads like a duck-billed platitude, it's arid scent wafting through our republic, hiding the fact that few have noses anymore.
Sam: We live in a nation of the billed, and ducks can't smell can they?
Rick: That's true of some ducks, but we've ducked beneath all that and stuck our noses high into the air above all the muck, and we smell the stench that sails above the fishy smell that lures the billed masses and taxes their patients, especially the terminal ones.
Rishi: The story: Dateline 10 November 1900 and 96. The place: the hitherto unknown 51st state of our very own union.
Sam: That's right, folks, you heard correctly. Don't touch that dial.
Rishi: Well, I mean, they can touch it.
Sam: Yes, so you can touch that dial, o.k., fine, just don't change that channel. The 51st state, North-East-West-South Rennet, known by none for its Cheeseless Cheesy-Cheese, the only all-rennet cheese loaf, and also the world's largest exporter of Absolutely Nothing Brand Water Proof Water Ballet swim teams.
Rishi: North-East-West-South Rennet, also known as South-West-East-North Rennet, population six trillion, all of voting age, has cast its minority vote in the electoral college once again. . .
Rick: . . .and now we're all off the dole 'cause the dole's on us. Yes, it's true, this tiny mega-state has voted in Dole for president.
Sam: And whatever this state says goes.
Rick: But just how did this state say anything at all, and where did its population hide all this time?
Sam: Beneath a rock.
Rishi: And then, hours before the polls opened, the unexpectorated happened. The greatest of the great natural disasters of history, the mass conflagration of the criminal element spread like cream cheese over Philadelphia across our land.
Rick: The fire left its mark, our criminal element now branded for life with the mark of the absent nose. And the blaze also raged so fierce as to melt the massive Dodge-Plymouth Rock, the largest rock on the planet Earth, constructed on Earth Day by Lee Iacoca entirely out of recycled newspapers.
Rishi: This rock, built proudly for America, by an American, on American soil, and with the very materiality of America's own Freedom of the Press was cover for the majority of the American public-- That is until the great conflagration.
Rick: East-South-West-North Rennet holds twenty-four thousand two-hundred and four thousand sixty-four thousand three-hundred and ninety-four thousand seats in the United States House of Representatives and two seats in the Senate. Yet, it's entire population, including all of its congress people had been living comfortably undisturbed under a rock since the time of the industrial revolution of 1977.
Sam: We take you live now to the capital city of West-East-North-South Rennet, Buttocks, and to our reporter on the street.
Enslin: Well, my nostrils are flared here in Buttocks and it smells terrible. The fire has torn this city apart. I wish you could see it. It is a grim site indeed. Looters run the streets right now in the downtown center of Buttocks, each looter coming back again and again for larger booty. The chaos is rampant, and it is as if there is nothing at all left to wipe it off with. I'm standing here with the mayor of Buttocks, Tank Boil, who is looking very flush. Tell me Mr. Mayor, just what is the rate of devastation in Buttocks and surrounding areas?
Andy: Well, for the citizens of our great city it's been kind of like living in a dark hole. Formerly affluent citizens are falling through the cracks every minute. I'll tell ya', the whole thing stinks. It stinks I tell ya'! One minute we're living in a state of bliss, the next minute we're all going to the polls and voting in Bob Dole fer president of these United States. It used to be that our votes didn't count fer nothin', we were all living under a rock you see. Now, all of the sudden we're conducting in(g)uerries concerning (g)uotas and putting in special ramps at all of our businesses to enable black people to obtain jobs more easily.
Enslin: As you may have picked up, one of the truly terrible effects of this disaster has been an introduction to the people of the state of Rennet to a never-before known accent in which the letter Q cannot properly be pronounced. Mayor Boil is it known what exactly has caused this new accent to afflict the formerly articulate masses of Rennet?
Andy: Our doctors and specialists have speculated that the accent was caused by the breathing in of poisonous fumes released when the recycled news materials that formed Dodge-Plymouth Rock went up in blazes.
Enslin: Is this a permanent affliction?
Andy: It is thought to be permanent. The situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that none of our population anymore has a nose. No one around here can even smell the darn poison, and even if we could, we haven't any sinus cavity anyway, so we can't breath period.
Enslin: So, how do you breath?
Andy: I thought you'd never ask, and I'm glad you did. See, we're all on these handy-dandy life support respirators manufactured by those folks Pondscum and Pondscum who make Bald Nostril nose spray, sold to the state at a very moderate price. So affordable even our poorest citizens couldn't afford them. See, our experts tell us the only hope of ever getting rid of all this polluting poison is to breath it in. So that's our official policy now, which is why we bought the respirators.
Enslin: That seems a rather costly policy.
Andy: Aah, the citizens 'ill pay for it. That's why we have taxes, isn't it. State can't pay fer everything, or it would go broke, which is another thing we're all dealing with, having to balance our budget, which is why we're buying all these respirators from that company that burned our noses off, see. Can't balance a budget without taxes, and ain't no taxes without tax payers, so we've gotta keep 'em alive at least, even if they'll eventually kick it cause of pollution.
Enslin: Now, will this speech problem, this accent, worsen over time?
Andy: Well, I haven't an exact (g)uote for you, but, yes, it is expected to worsen over time.
Enslin: Now, in our super hydro-eclectic buggy we have already swept across the vast expanse of Rennet to a smaller, but no less bigger, city, New Bork City, named after Judge Robert Bork in a pun-like manner to call into the listener's mind New York City while at the same time making an easy reference to Judge Bork. Here with me is ah, uh. . .
Andy: Elmer R. Emle, proud citizen of New Bork.
Enslin: How has New Bork been effected by the conflagration, Elmer?
Andy: Well I don't know.
Enslin: Is there anything at all you can tell me at this point? After all your state has been struck by the gravest of tragedies and your city has enough voters in it to have voted Dole into office all by itself.
Andy: No, no, no. Ah, he wasn't by himself. Kemp was with him.
Enslin: Not Dole, New Bork. I know he's with Kemp.
Andy: Ah yup, I'd like to think we're a quite kempt people, but I'm too dumb to know.
Enslin: What are you talking about?
Andy: Uh, I don't have the furthest notion. I just want large (g)uantities of stuff, especially music, I just love music, all kinds, ah rock, reggae, rock. . .
Enslin: Um, did you ever go to, um, school, or. . .
Andy: School? How could I? Heck I'm not even born!
Enslin: Ah, not born?
Andy: Nope. Ever since they privatized conception, no one can even afford to be conceived.
Enslin: Well, um, don't they, uh, offer any aid?
Andy: Yup, but I didn't (g)ualify.
Enslin: Didn't (g). . .er, I mean qualify?
Andy: No sirry Bob.
Enslin: My name's not Bob, it's Bob. You had it backwards. Jesus, what kind of an idiot are you?
Andy: We're all like this. None of us ever (g)ualify for aid. We're all exactly alike. Heck, ain't much to think about when you live under a rock. We all love that aid program though. Hell, who wants to be born. The unborn are so much more revered and loved. Hades, if you're born you've gotta' want leisure time. Us? We just work. I mean, we can't find jobs, but Workfare will set you free. That's their motto isn't, Kole and Demp, er. . . I mean . . .
Enslin: Well, I can't tell which is more of a disaster, the great conflagration or the landslide victory of Dole and Kemp. Now, I move in our light-wait eclectic particle collider to another site in South-West-North-East Rennet, Barter Hospital, home of the Catsup Clinic, where I have already just now spoken with an expert in the field. Let's role the tape.
Rick: Yes, yes. You see, this accent it seems is caused by pollution in the air, which has caused all of our noses to fall off.
Enslin: Now, it is my understanding that all criminals have been branded with the absence of the nose. But you tell me that the entire population of Rennet has lost its respective noses?
Rick: Corrrrrrrect. Under the new presidential candidacy, the entire government of these United States is dominated by rrrrrrrrepublicans. They will get tough on crrrrrrime and put more police men on the strrrrrrrrreets. All crrrrriminals now where the sign of the absent nose, and the rrrrrrrrrest of us do too, in case we ever become crrrrriminals. This way it is easier on the tax payer. We got a cheaper rrrrrrate to destrrrrrroy every citizens nose in one fell sssssssssssssswwwwwwwooooooop then we could get to do it on a first crrrrrrime first sever basis. We need such tax-dollar saving measures if we are going to balance our budget and lower taxes at once. This is why we opened up the Catsup clinic as well. Catsup is cheaper than mayonnaise and also it is, once again, under the Dole Kemp adphenistration a vegetable, zo it is healthier than mayo.
Enslin: I see. Well, what about the new accent? How severe is it?
Rick: Ah yes, it is very severe indeek. It starts with the (g)'s and then moves slowly to all the speaking until no one can say much of anything at awwlf. And, zzhhh. . .ift. . .sjhnmeileiowp. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhh. . .zzhhhole . . .zzhhole. . .zzhDole Kemp Dole Kemp Dole Kemp Dole Kemp (g) (g) (g) (g) (g) (g) (g) . . .
Enslin: The tape ends hear. At this point the expert was admitted to the hospital for closer examination, but all of the doctors, nurses and technicians were similarly afflicted and had only this to say:
Rishi: Problem? What problem? He acts just like you or me, perfectly fine. What do you think we are some kinds of (g)uacks?!
Enslin: We were told later that Barter Hospital hadn't had a patient in years, as no one had anything to Barter that was worth the services they needed. Barter Hospital now makes money through its coin-operated coin-return machine that is perpetually on the fritz.
Rick: Now, reporter on the streets, things sound pretty bad down there. Have you any suggestions for what those of us not in East-North-South-West Rennet might do to protect ourselves?
Rishi: We'll hear the answer to that question right after this massage from Vibra Slug.
Sam: You know, some times I get a case of the fatigue real bad.
Andy: Where's it hurt?
Sam: Here, in my Aura.
Andy: Ever try Vibra Slug?
Sam: Vibra Slug?
Andy: That's right, Vibra Slug, the first vibrating slug ointment for your aura. Just slab it on and it goes to work immediately, replacing your mild fatigue with blood-curdling horror.
Sam: Hmm. . . think I'll try some.
[blood curdling scream]
Andy: Vibra Slug. Next time your aura feels fatigued just slap on Vibra Slug and see what your aura really looks like. You'll feel better in no time. Now also available in convenient peal-off bottle.
Rick: And we're back with Nose From the Underground, where we're about to hear the very important answer to the question, What can the rest of us do? Reporter in the streets?
Enslin: Well, the best thing you can all do according to our own team of experts is all words that have a Q in them from your vocabulary. The affliction is thought to attach itself first to the tongue's position in pronunciation of that letter and to invade the rest of the tongue and throat from there until all people can pronounce is the letters D, O, L, E, K, M and P. Our experts tell us that even those of us in the not-yet afflicted fifty states are already quite close to this state of affairs and we must protect ourselves at all costs.
Rishi: So, reporter in the streets, what specifically do they recommend here?
Enslin: Well, they recommend getting rid of all common words with Q's, such as quota and queen, exquisite, quote and also unquote, quantity and quality, qualify and also the compound word do-not- or does-not-qualify, quail. . .
Sam: Now, what about. . .
Enslin: Who are you?
Sam: I'm the third guy.
Enslin: The third guy?
Sam: That's right, now what about the word "question"? I mean if we eliminate it we can no longer question authority, or ask questions or. . .
Andy: [boss] . . . All right third guy, that's it. Your fired!
Sam: Fired but . . .
Andy: We warned you third guy.
Sam: Oh yeah, well you can't fire me because I . . .
Andy: Sorry, you're not permitted to say that third guy. You signed these papers, and that violates your agreement! There goes your severance pay.
Sam: Oh, where is my Workfairy Godmother?