Announcer: On February 30th, 1798, General Motors introduced a car that needs no introduction. The new Chrysler Imperialist is priced to go head-to-head with the Dodge Capitalist and the Plymouth Hairspray. But it has more letters in its name than its competitors, and anyway those are all GM cars so it's not a big deal one way or the other. On the occasion of the introduction of this, how shall we put it, "car", General Motors bigwig Lee Iacocca joined entertainment industry earwig Frank Sinatra for a socratic dialogue on the features of this automobile industry majority whig, the Imperialist. Sinatra: I don't know anything about cars, Lee. What am I doing in this commercial? Iacocca: You're what we call "talent", Frank. Frankly, Frank, I'm floundering as a spokesmodel for GM. You see, I don't have any superiors at GM, so I don't have the foggiest how I'm doing. It's a real problem for today's multinational conglormerations. Sinatra: Let's get back to cars. What makes the Imperialist a luxury car? Iacocca: The features. A lot of cars today provide a set of features that don't really look toward the 19th century. We're trying to change that. Sinatra: How? Iacocca: By making the car environment more like the home environment. We've added a phone, T.V., full bath, concert hall, movie theater, and laundry. Sinatra: Doesn't all that equipment make the car less roomy? Iacocca: See for yourself. Sinatra: Wow! The front seats are each the size of a couch! Iacocca: That's just the beginning, Frank. There's also a bar and a swimming pool, an amusement park, a baseball stadium, and a parking lot. Sinatra: A parking lot inside a car? That doesn't make any sense! Iacocca: Well Frank, when we spoke to the customers who are in the market for a luxury car we realized that what they wanted didn't make any sense. And we're the company that's going to give them what they want. Sinatra: OK. But when I see all of these features I think: but what about the engineering? How does the car handle? Iacocca: Wait Frank, I'm not done with the features. We've also put in a farm, which comes standard with a lifetime supply of barnyard animals. Add a beehive and you can produce delicious food right in the car. Sinatra [getting stung by a bee]: OW! Lee, what if I don't want one of these features? Iacocca: Tough luck Frank, they're all standard. There's a lot of concern about the environment lately, and we think that's important in a car. That's why we've installed the Great Barrier Reef in every 1799 Imperialist. Sinatra: But there's only one Great Barrier Reef. Iacocca: And there's only one Chrysler Imperialist. Sinatra: Lee, all these standard features sound like a smokescreen to me. What about the parts of the car I can't see? Iacocca: Our engineers are the best in the world, and we're leading the way in new automotive technologies. After our engineers in Nevada were done designing the hydrogen-bomb-powered X-ray laser, we put them to work on the Imperialist. And what they've done is really going to change the automotive landscape -- literally. You see, the new Imperialist is the first nuclear-powered luxury car in its class. Sinatra: That's new, Lee. How does it work? Iacocca: By compressing a tiny pellet of plutonium past it critical mass. This triggers a chain reaction which releases enormous quantities of energy in a single burst, propelling the new Imperialist forward. Sinatra: What happens when the energy in the pellet is all used up? Iacocca: Each new Imperialist comes with a lifetime supply of pellets. Sinatra: Hold on a second. Isn't plutonium dangerous? Iacocca: Not for the driver and passengers -- they're sheilded by this thirty-foot-thick lead barrier. Now, you've owned a lot of cars. Sinatra: Your darn tootin'. Iacocca: What's the first thing you look for in a car. Sinatra: The stereo. Iacocca: You may not need to look at the stereo because each new Imperialist comes with a soundstage and booking agent who can line up top-notch acts to perform for you in the car. What could sound better than a live musical act? Sinatra: You've got a point. What about the warranty? Seems like there's a lot of stuff in this car that can break down. Iacocca: That's why it comes with a live-in maintenance crew that works day and night shifts around the clock. Sinatra: Sounds like there's a big staff in this car. How can a guy like me get some privacy behind the wheel? Iacocca: All the staff live in a separate sidecar and can be dismissed at any time by pressing this little button. Sinatra: How does the sidecar affect the handling? Iacocca: Frank, it doesn't. Handling, aerodynamics, and gas milage are a whole different ballgame when you're dealing with a nuclear powered car. Sinatra: I'm not the kind of person who's gonna spend a lot of money on an unknown quantity. How can I be sure a nuclear-powered vehicle is what I want? Iacocca: Because the new Imperialist doesn't cost money, Frank. It's available gratis to a select few. And you're one of them. Sinatra: What about your other customers? I believe that America is the land of opportunity. Iacocca: I hear you. But first of all, you're not a customer when we give you your free Imperialist. You're a grant recipient. And B, our other customers can purchase the new Imperialist without the standard features available to the elite. Sinatra: Like what? Iacocca: Like the nuclear-powered engine, the staff, the other extras I showed you. Basically it's a four-cylinder two-door compact car with vynil seats and optional AM radio. We call it the "Imperialite". Sinatra: What's luxury about that? Iacocca: Nothing, Frank. But thanks to the new Imperialist, owners of the Imperalite know they've bought from the leading car company in the world. Plus it's under warranty for four minutes or five feet, whichever comes first. Sinatra: Sounds like a rip-off to me, Lee. Iacocca: Look, Frank, we're giving you the new Imperialist so just keep it to a dull roar, wouldja? Announcer: The new Imperialist. You know who you are.