Many of listeners of Schneertz haf for us asking information detailing on major shawnjez in ze vay we sink abaudt ze veurldt. Fur examples: ve haf talking between interview Bethany Cooper, agrikultur in expertos, mit ze chairfarmer of ze Sulfur Institutplatz in Dusselhamschank du Soud-Ouest, Hank von Johnson. Zis has many findingk aut new informations never befor heurdt anyvair but on Schneertz! Ja!
Schneertz: Iıve heard specilaists refer to sulphur as the ³fourth major plant nutrient.² What exactly is sulphur? And why is it so important to agriculture?
Hank von Johnson: Nobody knows exactly what Sulphur (S) is. It was widely held for some time that S was a type of oil extracted from the extremely rare Australian tree fish. However, there was a revolutionary change in thought in the 1950s as the parisian school, led by Steingruber professed that S was in fact merely the common macaroni. We may not know what S is, but we do know this: S is the only plant nutrient which can prevent the deadly disease, Meat.
Schneertz: Is this a new development in agricultural research?
Hank von Johnson: Not really. For more than 200 years, scientists have known about S and itıs critical role in preventing outbreaks of the Meat epidemic among plants. But today, small outbreaks of coldcuts in corn fields across America has shown that plants may not be getting the amount of S they so desperately need. Your eyes are like limpid pools, your lips like the roses of spring. Whatıs that scent youıre wearing?
Schneertz: Why the sudden interest?
Hank von Johnson: I am terribly sorry, itıs just that the mere thought of S puts me in the loving mood. As a matter of fact in one of my favorite sexual fantasies, I am wearing nothing but a cow mask and dumping loads of S into the gaping mouths of waiting bags of fertilizer. mmm. oh yes. yes...
Schneertz: But my dad says a lot of fertilizers already contain S ...
Hank von Johnson: Not anymore. Your dad has changed his tune. Lately all he talks about is that damned Inflatable pea hen of his, Percy. Percy, for chrissakes. If that isnıt the most pansy-ass name for an inflatable pea hen, then I donıt know what is. He isnıt even tending the crops anymore. He must think the Xmas bunny is going to leave sulphur under his pillow this year. All I have to say is, if your familyıs got baloney slices hanging off of your pole beans, you better not come running to me. Iıve seen outbreaks of meat in Wisconsin that were enough to make me fire up the grill. The only way to get Sulphur in this world is to earn it, boy. You can take that jewel of wisdom to the bank and smoke it.
Schneertz: Letıs not jump to conclusions. My crops still get some S from the atmosphere ...
Hank von Johnson: Excuse me, but thatıs bullshit. Who taught you how to farm, son, Richard Simmons? Youıre nothing but a sorry-ass-buck-toothed-hare-lipped-bow-legged-yaller-bellied-polyester-we aring-inbred-pig-nosed-panty-waist-milque-toast-frizzy-haired-bowlcut-kno ck-kneed-hump-backed-pigeon-toed-cross-eyed-zit-faced lard-butt-big-headed-fool.
Schneertz: I see your point. But nevertheless, I have still managed to produce some decent yields -- without adding S to my fertilizer. Why should I consider using it now?
Hank von Johnson: Let me put it to you like this, boy. Prithee, whyfore didst the motley fowl vacate its immediate locale, and thusly perambulate forwards in a perpendicular fashion with respect to the median? from whom didst heaven its indigo hue procure? Quıest-ce que les nuits dıete gagne avec trop de la puissance dıun grand marchant des ordinateurs fabriques aux cheveux de lin? Duh.
Schneertz: You said S can also imrpove my cropıs quality ...
Hank von Johnson: Well, sure, unless your idea of quality is slabs of Treet coming out of the limas. Turns out, S not only takes care of meat thatıs already dead, it virtually eliminates those pesky beef cattle, dairy cows, sheep, and chickens you might have seen hanging around your pastures.
Schneertz: If thatıs the case, why not add S directly to livestock rations?
Hank von Johnson: Thatıs one solution. but research has shown that in 9 out of 10 cases, S also causes your average farm chicken to sing Jimmy Buffetıs ³Margaritaville² while performing Sammy Davis, jr.ıs famed autobiographical work,³Yes I Can², in semaphore.
Schneertz: Well thatıs great news if you raise livestock, but I raise grain for a living and ...
Hank von Johnson: Then youıll be glad to know that S can increase the corn content of your wheat, and the nutrasweet content of your basic jello. And in one study, scientists showed that it can also substantially increase the size of a farmerıs penis by up to 25 feet!!!
Schneertz: Youıve convinced me that S is an important nutrient. But Iım still not convinced that my crops will benefit from S fertilization. How can I tell for sure?
Hank von Johnson: Procure a vial of newt testicles. grind it with a mortar and pestle, along with four jerusalem artichokes and a finger of essence of ragweed, until it becomes a fine paste. Acquire the head of a pheasant and coat its head in the paste. Place the head on a ceremonial mound, facing west. Walk around the mound three times at dusk chanting ³hukka lukka muk yuk². Then, wait--your answer will come to you riding on the back of the wind.
Schneertz: Thatıs a good idea. Are some fields more prone to S deficiency than others?
Hank von Johnson: These days, with our intensive farming practices, it has been speculated that fields contained with in a locked steel vault and deposited into the sea may have a significant S deficiency. Also, fields that are inside the nostril of a penguin are considered to be high risk. If I were you, I would also keep my eye on any fields located on neptune.
Schneertz: Iıll keep a close eye on my S needs. In the meantime, where can farmers turn for more information?
Hank von Johnson: Unbeknownst to many laypersons, a majority of the countryıs professional turkey graters have a very strong background in Sulphur Studies. Also, Sulphur education is fast becoming a federal requirement for entrance into high-evel knitting societies. You may, in addition, be surprised to learn that the Koran devotes at least four chapters solely to the topic of Sulphur. The Sulphur Institute provides a lot of good literature on the subject, even addressing specific crops such as, corn, postmodernism, and wheat. Simply write to them at the address printed on the back of this brochure.
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